Falling Slowly

I hate that my mind seems to never stop wondering. Especially about what the future holds for me. So far, I am not able to say that my life has been one worth bragging about. I don't know what my purpose is. I don't know what I am meant for and what I mean to those who have been involved in my life up to this point. And it is becoming increasingly upsetting to realize that those people whose lives are envied incorporate strong friendships and equally strong and enjoyable relationships. I don't have that. I never have, actually. And that fact has not bothered me as much in the past as it has been this past year and at this moment. It is beginning to seem near impossible that I will ever experience love, or at least something like that, and even though I'm young, I feel as though my life has been somewhat wasted. I've moved around so much that I have never had a best friend. I've never had that one person that I could just talk to and completely put my trust in. I've never been able to just talk about my life, my insecurities, my doubts. I want that. There is nothing to look forward to anymore. Part of me just wants to say screw it and live life alone, keeping my facade for my family and acquaintances. I hate that no one can really grasp my true personality. Guys, especially. No one honestly cares who I am or what I want out of life. Which is understandable, I guess. They all know who they are and what their purpose is. They have friends and exes and experience and the knowledge of what it's like to genuinely enjoy life. That's something I'm not sure I'll ever have. Soon, I will be going away to college, where my attempt to find out what I am supposed to do in this world will become forced. I just want answers to all my questions. Why have I never had a best friend? Why have I never had a boyfriend, and going along with that, why have I never even been asked out by someone decent? Do people actually care about me? Would there really even be a negative impact on anyone who was somehow involved in my life if I never entered their's? Seeing these questions somewhere besides in my head makes me wonder if I'm just analyzing everything more than it should be. But I don't feel like my life has been what it is supposed to be. I come across those people who are so happy and so knowing of who they are and what they want and how to get it. I'm not like that. I am not happy and so unknowing of who I am. I want answers. I want to know if it's because I'm not good enough. I want to know why I have never even been on a date. And why I never get invited to anything. And why I have no ambition or excitement for what tomorrow will bring. I want to know what my life will bring me.